so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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