Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
