i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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