This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
