HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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