i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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