So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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