Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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