Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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