Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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