all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
