He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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