So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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