so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
