I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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