Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize