There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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