that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
