she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
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