Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
