I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
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