I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
