She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
