listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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