Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
We left the knife in your bed.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
