Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
God, I missed his penis.
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