I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize