she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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