He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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