You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
