I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
