I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
