So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize