I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
A bitchslap is in order.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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