Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
