I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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