good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
