I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
