i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
