i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
