Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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