Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
what day is it and did you see me today?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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