dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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