Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
