If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
please don't ironically join a cult
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