This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize