In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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