I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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