i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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