I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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