thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
