how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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