Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
