i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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