Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Randomize
