im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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