i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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